Nothing Happens At Ten

Here is one of my favorite quotations from Ambrose Bierce.

                                                 A Causeway

A Rich Woman having returned from abroad disembarked at the foot of Knee-
deep Street, and was about to walk to her hotel through the mud.

“Madam,” said a Policeman, “I cannot permit you to do that; you would
soil your shoes and stockings.”

“Oh, that is of no importance, really,” replied the Rich Woman, with a
cheerful smile.

“But, madam, it is needless; from the wharf to the hotel, as you observe,
extends an unbroken line of prostrate newspaper men who crave the honour
of having you walk upon them.”

“In that case,” she said, seating herself in a doorway and unlocking her
satchel, “I shall have to put on my rubber boots.”

                                                                      Ambrose Bierce, Fantastic Fables

It is not political. It’s making fun of the media. Everybody makes fun of the media.

Besides it was published in 1899.

OK. You win. You got me on a technicality.

Honestly, DG, that is the lamest April Fools gag I have ever seen.

DG got busy this weekend doing his income taxes and calculating what percentage tax he pays. But he ran into a problem on the calculator.

No matter what he did, the calculator threw an error. DG was not happy.

“What’s wrong with this stupid calculator?” he shouted.

“DG”, I said, “It’s not the calculator. You see, since you are a cartoon character, you have no income. So, when you divide your taxes by your income you get a “divide by zero” error in the calculator.”

“Listen up. You have no income, so you put a zero in the divisor when you calculated your tax rate. Dividing by zero is an invalid operation, so the calculator gives you an error. In order to calculate your tax percentage, you need to have at least some income. Just a second. I think I can fix this. ”

So, I made him a W2 form that shows an income of one cent.

Since he won’t owe any taxes on an income of one cent, the calculations work out now.

Zero divided by 0.01 give…..

Ta Daaaa! Your tax rate is zero.

Sometimes you have to play along.

DG was a bit annoyed with me for sending him that phony 1040XEZ form.

So he wrote me up on a BM form and sent it to me. That is a Being Mean form. Check it out.

Actually, I think he just made the whole thing up.

Once again it is time to fill out your Income Tax forms.

DG just received his tax forms in the mail.

Remember back when the government was promising that you will be able to fill out your tax forms on a postcard?

We there it is… it’s the new Extra Easy, 1040XEZ form.

Political? No it’s not. Everybody hates paying taxes.

OK. I confess. I sent it. But ya gotta admit it’s funny.

DG?

DG?

It is that time of year again when we make our blanket longer by cutting six inches off the top and sewing it onto the bottom.

Don’t forget to set your clocks one hour ahead tonight.

Hey, DG, don’t forget to change your clock!

Well, that’s not exactly what I had in mind.

Happy Twosday, everyone!

It’s “Twosday”…. 2/22/22. Get it? Twos…day….. on Tuesday.

And I posted it at 2:22 too.

I wanted to post it at 2:22:22, but my timing was a bit off.

Oh sush. You are such a spoil sport.

It is Superbowl time again.

DG is ready to rock and roll.

Oh. Uh. How do I break this to him gently?

How about this:

“All those who’s favorite team is in the Superbowl this year, step forward….. where the heck are you going, DG?”

Actually, we celebrated “Superbowl Sunday (Observed)” yesterday with pizza and chips and cheese curls so all of us could enjoy the decadent food. Today….. maybe I’ll just have a sandwich… and a nap.

Here we are, two weeks into 2022. How’s it going with those New Years Resolutions?

DG’s resolution this year is to lose 5 pounds. Let’s check in and see how he’s doing.

How’s it going, DG?

What? What was that? I didn’t actually catch that. Say again?

I still didn’t understand that. Stop mumbling. How’s that New Years Resolution going?

Oh. Oops.

You should do what I do. I make the same resolution every year. “I resolve to eat more fat, salt, and sugar, exercise less and try to put on weight.” That way, when I fail at it…. it’s all good for me.

We are here celebrating the end of 2021. Yay.

Looks like DG is still stumping for that eggnog.